I have now been away from home and mostly on my own for the last four years now. I remember the feeling of just wanting to get the hell out. I was so over the small town, my high school, and well everything. I couldn't wait for the day I met my new roommate, went to my first party, got drunk for the first time and was completely on my own. I was one cool kid, let me tell you! With my lack of any work experience, extremely low tolerance for alcohol, and my record shattering number of friends. It was the high time in my life.
But as of late things have changed.
I'm growing up; becoming an adult.
That fateful day called graduation may seem like it is a long ways away but its only one short year away. Even though the calenders may hold some evidence that a year is longer than a week...I don't believe it. I am at a point in my life where I should...I don't know, have some clue as to where I want to be in ten, five, hell even one year! I HAVE NOTHING! (aside from graduating of course) I have felt lost before but never to this extent. Every waking moment of my life I have had some idea, some inkling of where I am headed, but now there is nothing. Past graduation it is blank.
I want to go somewhere exciting. I don't want some boring 9-5, settling for a relationship that I'm just content with, living in suburbia with two dogs and a cat! Not that that's wrong, just not for me. There have been a few short lived times that I thought I could stand that, but that's not a life in my opinion. I want to travel the world, experience life, finding a love that would make Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy jealous, and I want a bad ass house in an awesome country with two dogs, minus the cat. Adventure and excitement is what I crave most. It is also what I fear the most. The unknown, the uncertainty.
The uncertainty that I will never be at home again. That I will always be lost. That I will never get that warm feeling I get when I drive down that dusty bumpy drive way to my parking spot by the dog kennel. That feeling when my dog howls and jumps off of her doghouse to greet me. The feeling of having to struggle to get the key out of the headless ceramic turtle just so that I can struggle with the lock and key to walk into the half painted home that I love so much. Then to see the family that I hold so dear. To watch as the corgis cheerfully greet my dad and to see his face light up when he walks through the door to be greeted by long bodied stumpy legged little creatures. My sister's witty little one liners and my mother's constant infatuation with every detail of mine and my sister's lives. It is hard to believe that I wanted to leave so bad, because all that I crave right now is a night at home. Not even to participate but to just watch and appreciate.
To be Home.
Tuesday, March 3, 2015
My life as of now seems to be a bit crazy but hey whose isn't? Between my school , work, and love life things get a bit crazy. You're probably thinking "well what about your social life?" hahahahaha what social life? Between work, school, and my now non existent love life there are not enough hours in the day. But I am working on it. I am working on myself as of late. Due to my current situation with dating...I just had to break up with probably the most amazing man I could have ever dreamed of dating. It has been rough but it has also given me time to reflect on my life and what I need to do to better myself. So I've made a list of things that I need to work on...an throughout the year ill keep you updated on my progress in these areas. So enjoy..
Have a blessed day and stay beautiful <3
- Loving myself- I know its sounds conceded and self centered but I have realized that when it comes to love that loving yourself is the most important thing you can do in your life. if you don't love yourself then it can be almost impossible to love someone else.
- Being healthy- I have come to realize that my health especially now is very important. Eating right and working out has changed my life so far and made me feel better while looking better. I am far from my goals but I will get there.
- STOP PROCRASTINATING- this is a big one for me. "if it wasn't for the last minute nothing would get done" is my mantra, my motto, my life. WELL NOT ANYMORE!!! I need to get shit done! (pardon my french) I'm tired of being behind, not having time, and thinking of every excuse in the book. I'm done!
- Get organized- as a college student organization is key... and if it was a class I had to take I'd be failing. My life is a hot mess and it needs to stop!
- Live every day like its my last- I get so caught up in the craziness of school and work I always took the little moments for granted. I realized this when Clint and I had broken up. I didn't miss the big moments as much as I did the little things. Little things like making dinner together, watching "Ancient Aliens" till midnight, random conversations, and so much more. I want to embrace every moment.
- Less electronics- recently my i-phone had a tragic death so now I'm back to old faithful...the blackberry curve. Its a beast I'm not gonna lie, but it has made me look up instead of having my nose buried in my phone all day. I enjoy things more because I'm not trying to catch the moment on my phone...I just capture it to memory and cherish it there.
- Travel- I believe that every person should travel even if its to another state. Everywhere has their own culture and as human beings we should embrace that and immerse ourselves in not only our own culture but the culture of the human race. It has so many different origins, languages, and life to it and its a beautiful thing.
Have a blessed day and stay beautiful <3