I have now been away from home and mostly on my own for the last four years now. I remember the feeling of just wanting to get the hell out. I was so over the small town, my high school, and well everything. I couldn't wait for the day I met my new roommate, went to my first party, got drunk for the first time and was completely on my own. I was one cool kid, let me tell you! With my lack of any work experience, extremely low tolerance for alcohol, and my record shattering number of friends. It was the high time in my life.
But as of late things have changed.
I'm growing up; becoming an adult.
That fateful day called graduation may seem like it is a long ways away but its only one short year away. Even though the calenders may hold some evidence that a year is longer than a week...I don't believe it. I am at a point in my life where I should...I don't know, have some clue as to where I want to be in ten, five, hell even one year! I HAVE NOTHING! (aside from graduating of course) I have felt lost before but never to this extent. Every waking moment of my life I have had some idea, some inkling of where I am headed, but now there is nothing. Past graduation it is blank.
I want to go somewhere exciting. I don't want some boring 9-5, settling for a relationship that I'm just content with, living in suburbia with two dogs and a cat! Not that that's wrong, just not for me. There have been a few short lived times that I thought I could stand that, but that's not a life in my opinion. I want to travel the world, experience life, finding a love that would make Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy jealous, and I want a bad ass house in an awesome country with two dogs, minus the cat. Adventure and excitement is what I crave most. It is also what I fear the most. The unknown, the uncertainty.
The uncertainty that I will never be at home again. That I will always be lost. That I will never get that warm feeling I get when I drive down that dusty bumpy drive way to my parking spot by the dog kennel. That feeling when my dog howls and jumps off of her doghouse to greet me. The feeling of having to struggle to get the key out of the headless ceramic turtle just so that I can struggle with the lock and key to walk into the half painted home that I love so much. Then to see the family that I hold so dear. To watch as the corgis cheerfully greet my dad and to see his face light up when he walks through the door to be greeted by long bodied stumpy legged little creatures. My sister's witty little one liners and my mother's constant infatuation with every detail of mine and my sister's lives. It is hard to believe that I wanted to leave so bad, because all that I crave right now is a night at home. Not even to participate but to just watch and appreciate.
To be Home.